12-month Hiatus

About six weeks ago, a major change occurred in my life. Everything has been affected: my daily routine, my future career potential, even some of my relationships. This change came as a result of A LOT of personal consideration, input from friends and family, and (most important of all) the fact that I finally allowed myself to let go of something I’ve been holding on to for years now. In short, I’m about six weeks into a 12-month hiatus from teaching.

When I say it took a long time to come to the conclusion that this was what I needed and THEN to finally take the jump and do it, I’m not kidding. For a year now, I’ve been feeling unhappy and unsatisfied with my teaching career. And really, it’s been even longer than that. But as soon as I got to England, and starting teaching again after the month-break I’d had prior, I felt such anxiety whenever I thought about stepping into a classroom that I was forced to take a look at my chosen vocation. And I realized that I’d been feeling that way for much, much longer – I just hadn’t allowed myself to acknowledge how I felt. I’d been on the path to teaching for so long, and spent so many hours (and dollars!) working towards that goal. How could I give it up? Wasn’t I, as everyone I knew constantly reminded me, born to be a teacher?

In order to put into print the conversation I’ve had on very many occasions recently... I present to you...

“The Top 3 Most Likely Questions That Have Popped Into Your Head As You’ve Been Reading This Blog Post”

1.       But Angela, wouldn’t it be better if you had your own class?
Maybe. It’s definitely possible. But if subbing is the only part I don’t like, if it’s just the “newness” of each and every day, if it was the teaching I loved and if I could just do that part without all the uncertainty of being a TOC... then at some point during the day, when the “newness” has worn off and I know the kids and we’re in a groove and it’s all going well and I even planned part or all of the day... at some point, I should sit back and think, “I can’t believe I get paid for this. I love being a teacher.”

But I don’t.

I cannot say when the last time was that I felt that. I’m not sure I ever did. And that makes me nervous. What if I’m actually putting in all this sucky time of dealing with being a TOC, and then eventually, after years and years of hating this and feeling this unhappy, when I finally get my “own class” (the thing that’s supposed to solve all of the negative feelings I have right now)...I’m still this unhappy. What then?

2.       Well Angela, was it just teaching in London that you didn’t enjoy? You know the kids there are really bad, right? First of all, the kids I taught in London weren’t any different from the kids I teach in Canada. Kids are kids. Some kids have more behaviour difficulties than others, and that requires a little more attention and work on my part, but they’re NOT “bad”. And the work I did in London was very similar to that of Victoria, even sometimes easier because I never had to plan anything myself. So no, teaching in London did not make me hate teaching.

I did, however, spend A LOT of my “living in London” time contemplating why it was that I seemed so much more unhappy with it while I was there. And I think it all comes down to balance. When I was subbing in Victoria, before I left for England, I was also maintaining a part-time job. A job I loved. A job that made me feel like I was helpful and appreciated. A job I looked forward to going to, because I knew my time there would be productive, helpful and fun. So even though I was teaching a lot, I always got to fill my “other-than-teaching time” with this other job. I didn’t have time to be unhappy with my work, because the “less than satisfying” part was balanced with the “very satisfying” part. Once I got to London, ALL I did was teach. So I started spending EVERY day unhappy and I started losing sleep over how anxious I felt about that.

So I came back. And I went back to teaching. A lot. And I was STILL not feeling happy. In fact, I was feeling quite UNHAPPY. So again, I can say, with total certainty, it was NOT just “teaching in London” that made me unhappy. It was “teaching”.

3.       Oh Angela, what if you tried a specialty?

I’ve thought a lot about that too. And I’m actually currently still enrolled in a course that would lend itself to becoming a Reading Specialist, who could help kids who struggle with reading and writing. And I’ve even looked into quite a few Masters Of Education programs, thinking that maybe I could continue studying Learning Assistance or Gifted Education (both of which interest me very much). But at this point, I think it’s the learning part that interests me. I’m enjoying the challenge of learning again, more than picturing myself actually working in this capacity in the future. So... all I can say on that front is, “we’ll see.”

And so, the hiatus. A friend of mine connected me with a job that offered a 12-month fulltime contract in an office environment similar to that part-time job I mentioned, after which I can go straight back into teaching (if I want to) or continue with the current job (if I want to and if there’s an extension available) or try secret-as-yet-unknown-option-three (something else entirely).

And heck, standing in front of a classroom with 24 expectant faces staring at me is certainly not the only way to use the training I have. I believe in Educating and in Education. So maybe my path is to work in Admin, but still related to teaching. Maybe I’ll end up working for the Ministry of Education. Maybe I’ll find my way back in to a School Admin position. Who knows?

The bottom line is, I just refuse to accept that I have to spend the rest of my life doing something that makes me feel unhappy and unsatisfied. Maybe that’s naive. But heck, I’m still pretty young. If I’m going to be unrealistic and idealistic about the world, and throw away my career to find another one, at least I don’t have any dependents relying on me for an income. So I figure, THIS is the time to be brave and start again.

Or at least to take 12 months to think about it (and make some steady income in the meantime).